Going through a Breakup in your 20s? Me too.
Being in your late 20s can feel so daunting when your friends and family are all moving on with their lives. Some people try more than others and some people spend their 20s skating by without so much as a scratch. Then just when you thought you’d found the one, the clock strikes midnight, and your soon to be wedding dress turns back into leggings and an old tee shirt.
If you’re anything like me, you probably feel the time ticking away like it’s punching you in the face. Well, the first thing to do is to relax. Who cares about some pristine image of getting everything ‘perfect’ before a certain age? As long as there’s breath in your body, then there’s time to get your stuff together.
How do you get over a breakup?
Unfortunately, I know the pain of breakups and how they make you feel like you have lost some kind of race. Maybe everything was going so well and you two decided to go your separate ways or maybe you had to leave for your physical and mental safety. I am familiar with all kinds of forms of breakup reasons but it’s the healing that is the struggle.
Two years ago, I went through one of the most painful breakups in my life. A breakup that needed more recovery time than the actual relationship itself. I thought I had found the one, and those differing values between us proved me wrong.
So where does that leave you in the aftermath? Especially when you had so much of your life entangled with that person? It’s time to do some healing and reevaluation. Hopefully, you find this article helpful in the midst of your breakup.
The Initial Shock
The initial shock of a breakup is never fun. Well…in most cases, it’s not a pleasant experience. I have had my share of breakups for different reasons and that initial shock value can hit at different times. It could be right after you give the long meditated breakup speech or it could even be weeks after the good bye. Whenever the shock decides to hit, there are many feelings that happen to be attached to it.
The initial shock can make you question whether you made the right decision or should have given it the old girl’s try. There may be a lot of aftermath questions that follow and it’s completely okay to have these questions when you go through a separation with someone. You may also begin to grasp for filler emotions to fill the void that was once occupied by an active (or inactive) relationship. These emotions could be a love replacement, anger, bitterness, apathy, etc. It’s okay to start and look for a distraction from the impact in your life, but you have to understand that these replacement feelings can’t cover the root feeling forever.
FOMO
In your late 20s, you may run into the very tangible reality that many people are experiencing. Major life changes tend to start during this time and it can be a heavy influence as to why we may stay in a relationship way past its expiration date or why being single sometimes feels like a punishment. Friends start to get married, start families, and get into serious relationships and while you just went through a breakup, you feel like you’re starting over while other people are building.
It’s completely okay to go through a breakup at this time. Though this blog post is directed towards people in their late 20s, it’s completely applicable to any age and stage in life. Your life doesn’t have to follow some rubric and outline that you think everyone else is supposed to follow. That’s the toughest pill to swallow because we have life goals. A lot of our plans could include a significant other to share the rest of our lives with and being the only single friend in the wedding pictures can get tiring after a while.
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) is not abnormal either. I know you may not want to hear this, but some of your single friends reminisce on their single days too. While they are in their long term relationships with their children, there are days when they look at your life and miss the freedom to do whatever they want. From one recent breakup-ee to another, truly enjoy your time to yourself. Even from a girly with a marriage mindset, I too am quite tired of hearing ‘it’s just a matter of time’ from my happily uncoupled peers, but it’s essentially true. Everyone wants what they don’t have, even if just for a moment. A breakup is a time to rediscover who you are and what you want out of life for you and your next relationship.
The ‘If Only I Could Have’ Talk
It may not happen to everyone in the break up phase, but for some, there is a rerun of what could have been done differently. I certainly take part in this when entering the break up stage. I think about all the things that happened in the relationship that I could have done differently, and you know what; there were some things in the relationship that I truly could have changed. Does that mean being harsh on myself? Of course not!
Break ups have an upside and that’s the reinvention phase. This is the time to think about who you want to be in your next relationship and who you are outside of one. This can look like a lot of journaling and self reflection. Take a good look at yourself. I mean a really good look at yourself. What do you see in the mirror? Sure, maybe the relationship was a wash. Sure, you are at a point where maybe you can stand to work on your anger or your selfishness. Maybe you have to learn how to cut people off sooner before they start invading your emotional capacity. It’s best to focus on yourself and what you can do to be the best version of yourself FOR yourself and the next person you meet. You can’t control the actions of other people, you can only be responsible for yourself.
If you decide to have the ‘If only I could have changed…’ talk with yourself, then be sure to be brutally honest. There’s no point in having a conversation with yourself about the actions of your past relationship if you’re not going to hold any accountability. This could look like the following:
If only I could have cut off the relationship when I noticed that nothing was going to change.
Well, now I know to look for signs early in the relationship without putting myself through that emotional turmoil.
If only I hadn’t given that person a second chance.
Now I know to honor my feelings the first time. It’s important to me to uphold my own standards and trust my intuition the first time.
You can allow yourself the pity party and the uplifting advice. You don’t have to be this strong individual fresh after a breakup. You’re not made of stone and shouldn’t feel bad if you begin to feel bad after the breakup. Tears are valid. Emotions will come, and after you spend your time being sad about it, trust me, you’ll feel a lot better afterward.
All Men (and Women) Are Not Dogs
Sometimes people enter this area in life where they’re past the point of return. They don’t want anything to do with love and relationships after breakups and quite honestly, the friends you have that are in a relationship are some of the first people to dog out men (and women). This is quite ironic because you would think a person in a happy relationship would encourage you to get into one yourself, but sometimes that’s not always the case.
Think about life itself. Sometimes we try things that don’t work out. Does that mean that the thing that we tried is completely broken and could never work? Well, if that were the case, then other people wouldn’t be successful at what you were attempting to do. It just means you have to try again with the right materials, mindset, and approach. This is the same for dating. It’s not always easy to get back out there but the right relationship is not lost at sea. It’s possible for you, even if you’re tired of hearing it.
All men and women are not problematic. In my opinion, a majority of people could definitely use some therapy and a good cry, but everyone isn’t broken. Don’t write off your dream relationship because of a bad apple (or a few bad apples).
Also, if you find yourself in a circle of friends always talking bad about dating and love, saying they hate all men or hate all women, then that might not be the environment for you to be around. You may have to keep your silent prayers for a healthy relationship far away from this kind of negative energy. Not everyone believes that it can happen to them and they will certainly try to take you into the jaded territory with them. Don’t go there. Do yourself a favor and speak life over yourself and your future relationship. Take this time to learn from the situation and know that the right person is there for you.
Take Away Trail
It’s not easy. Breakups sometimes suck. You think you have a future with someone, then you find yourself wandering down the cereal aisle wondering how you got so far away from where you used to be. It’s not the end of the world even if it feels like it is. So you’re in your late 20s and you didn’t think you would be in this position. It doesn’t define who you are. It doesn’t mean you’re defective or you’re incapable of holding onto someone. You just have something better out there for you and the right person is on their way, no matter how sick you are of hearing it. :)
